Hi Baby Boy. I still feel exactly like this.

You are my everything. You have my whole heart and soul now and forever. I’m running on empty but somehow still running.

Do you even know how special you will always be? No one made me crack up and ease my stress in an instant the way you did. No one is even a close second. I miss you. God, I miss you. I miss us. I miss every, single thing about you. I hate living without you. A series on repeat just going through the motions. Still the same gut-punches and knots in my stomach. Four years and I still can’t get it through my head. This is too long to have to live without you. Distractions aren’t working and this day makes all of those things that haunt me even more vivid and in my face. I don’t want to think about any of them. I will never understand.

The rest of my thoughts will not be shared but you probably already know them anyway. Our connection is strong despite our physical separation. There are emotions so deep that there aren’t words powerful enough to tell you what I want to anyway.

I love you now and always. I can’t wait to sprint to the finish line and have you in my arms again. Every wish is this “I want Caleb back.”
One day.
Love,
Mommy
XOXOXOXOX