Random Acts of Kindness-Week 2-SUDC Awareness Month 2018

We know we are getting a late start for week 2 of SUDC Awareness Month, but it's Random Acts of Kindness Week!
Sickness hit our house this week so we had to hide out at home and spread kindness by not spreading our germs to anyone else. We are no longer contagious so we are sharing Caleb's love and educating our community about SUDC. Come join us and do something nice this week as well! Use #SUDCawareness and get creative. If you need templates to include with your kindness you can print them from Caleb's website here:
https://thecalebeffect.com/kindness/

Also, it takes mail a while to make it all the way to Switzerland, but we love the fortuitous timing of this package! What will you do to brighten someone's day?
#SUDCawareness
#SUDC
#calebeffect
#benice
#RAOK

Home - March 2018-Nice on the 9th

Hi Baby. I love you. I miss you. I've been more than a little distracted lately but I'm still trying. Remember the lady I was telling you about a few months ago when the eclipse was here? The one who sat with us and found paper plates for us to help enjoy nature's show? She was the one who despite living outside in the heat, smiled easily and was grateful for the sandwich and snacks Mommy gave her. Well, yesterday we decided to help people like her, and a few others who only recently found safe shelter in our state.

I know you know we miss you but we really hope by doing nice things for you on the day of the month that you were born, it really does make you happy. We are listening, Baby Bear, and other people are, too.

Mommy's first stop was more secret that our usual "Nice on the 9th," but your kindness has been there before so you probably recognized it. I didn't take any pictures and I'm not going to put it in the blog because some of the people there have to hide from others who are trying to hurt them. If people want to help, I will let them know they can just ask Mommy.

I don't understand how some people can be so mean, especially to kids, but the truth is that it still happens every day here on Earth. I'm grateful you never knew that you had to be careful when talking to new people, but I know if you would've grown up, we would've had to have more serious conversations about this, too. The world was still your oyster, Baby Boy and maybe somehow it still is even if it isn't in the way that we want. You had a 6th sense about what people needed and it taught us so much about being open to meeting new friends we were initially skeptical about approaching. However, some kids not much older than you have already learned first-hand that it isn't always safe to be carefree and friendly all the time. Luckily, every single person I've ever met who works for this organization has always shown that extra care and understanding for the kids, and the children there know these are adults they can trust.

Speaking of adults, when Mommy was dropping everything off, the lady who is in charge of one of the programs where Mommy used to volunteer already knew all about you! I never told anyone during my time as a volunteer our story so she HAD to have either read one of your templates, seen you on the news or in one of the publications, or heard about you from one of our donations or a friend. The Caleb Effect really is spreading!!

The next place we visited was the The Homeless Alliance, where multiple non-profits (that's a company that usually has a heart for others) who help homeless people have offices. (Thank you for the yellow Hummer on my way there, by the way). Instead of making someone try to take a bus to multiple locations all over town for things like seeing a doctor, talking to someone about all the things that overwhelm them, or just helping them get an ID, there are several agencies that assist them all in one spot.

Even just being 2, you had a lot of stuff, but imagine if Mommy and Daddy had to carry around everything you loved most, everywhere we went. You would be REALLY mad if we didn't take all your vroom vrooms or enough packets and Veggie Straws. You would also want to "read" your books every night, too. People who don't have a house or apartment have to carry around EVERYTHING that is important to them, and that can be a vulnerable (that's when someone feels like they are leaving themselves open to being hurt) feeling. One of the things they have at the Homeless Alliance is lockers so the people there don't have to worry about something getting stolen or having to carry so much on their backs. They also have the only day shelter in Oklahoma City. People who live outside and sleep in parking garages or in makeshift boxes can come use the computers; showers; eat breakfast, lunch and a snack; and even come take their doggies to play. A lot of people refuse to get protection from things like freezing or scorching temperatures because the regular shelters won't allow animals, so this is a place where people with animals can come without having to worry about leaving their furry friends behind. They also have a vet who comes and checks on the "woof woofs" and makes sure they are okay, too. Pretty awesome, huh? Your Aunt Nancy Viewfinder Photography and Pam North will be really happy to hear this.

We had no idea that so many wonderful things were happening under one roof, but one of the programs that we DID know about is called The Curbside Chronicle. It is a magazine that gives homeless people a chance to sell magazines and work their way to a better future. Instead of just standing on the street begging for money, it allows someone who might have trouble getting a traditional job a legitimate opportunity to make money. It also gives people like Mommy and Daddy a glimpse into the day in the life of someone living on the streets, and even displays a little humor in the section titled "Hoboscope," (AKA horoscope). Anytime we see someone wearing one of the green vests (and assuming we actually have cash on us), we buy one. I was a little bummed (no pun intended) that I didn't see any vendors while we were in the area but keep listening and you won't be disappointed.

We knew that a lot of people who are homeless don't have the basic necessities so we put together goody bags for 15 people (see pictures to learn what went into each bag). We also delivered tons of socks from Grandma and our friend, Jennifer; sticks of deodorants; bars of soap; stuff for ladies that you would be even more confused if I tried to explain; and snacks for our new friend, Ranya Forgotson O'Connor to keep in her office and offer to vendors when they are there. Some of our longtime friends and YaYa met us there and brought supplies, too! Baby Boy, did you see the faces of the people when Mommy opened the hatch on her vroom vroom? We didn't even have the bags unloaded yet and they were already excited and asking us for a bag! One of the ladies looked a little sad but Mommy told her how I was there to spread some love for you. I gave her a little encouragement and a hug, but maybe you could also watch over her, too.

We left the Homeless Alliance even more grateful for things like a computer to write you this message, a choice whether to share our space or not, and a hot shower anytime we want. You ALWAYS loved splashing in the bath, using your net to "catch" your rubber fish, and squeezing (and usually drinking) water out of your squirt toys. However, there is not a bath tub at this facility and no one gets to sit in a deep tub of bubbles or drop Elmo's colorful tablets in their water. I'm also willing to bet none of these people have a Mickey Mouse toothbrush to brush (or mostly just chew) their teeth, or a Monster's Inc or various animal-themed hooded towel to dry off with when they were finished. All of your things are as you left them. I wish there was some sort of magic trick we could perform that would bring you back just as shockingly fast as you were taken away. It still seems like you are going to pop out from behind the curtains and start laughing when you see our elated faces. Maybe that's what heaven will be like. It will come swiftly and we won't even believe what we are seeing. We will just be so happy to be with you again.

Not everyone believes in heaven, but the people at our 3rd stop most certainly do. Much like the Homeless Alliance, Catholic Charities of the Archdiocese of Oklahoma City offers many programs to people of various walks of life inside one building. Some of the other social services agencies are only blocks apart, so they call this whole area the "Corridor of Hope." Catholic Charities recently moved to this new location and built in many symbols of their faith and community both in and outside the building. One fun fact of the day is that one of the more unique and artistic symbols (which also will be in the pictures) was even requested to be taken to the Vatican and replaced with a replica (that's a copy).

We came there specifically to learn more about their Refugee Resettlement Program and got to meet Maleeha Siddique, a former refugee from Afghanistan and Mark Chan, who run the program. I'd love to hear more about Maleeha's story, but we did learn that she speaks 5 languages which has proven to be highly useful to refugees coming into their new community.

I know this month we are highlighting homelessness so maybe you are wondering why we chose to "be nice" to refugees, too. Maybe you are also wondering what a refugee is. Well, my sweet boy, a refugee is someone who has had no other choice but to leave their home due to a "well-founded fear of being persecuted for reasons of race, religion, nationality, membership in a particular social group, or political opinion." That sounds pretty scary to me.

You were fearless. It didn't matter if you were starting a new "school," hiding in a pitch-black room to scare us, or jumping into the water and insisting on no "floaties." However, we have always lived in America, in a place where you didn't need to worry much about someone coming to do mean things to our family. Not every place in the world is like it is here. I imagine if we were forced to live in a country where mommies got in trouble just for driving you somewhere or not believing the same things the head of the government believes, fear would've found you eventually, too.

I also know that refugees aren't "homeless" in the traditional sense, but to me, home means more than just four walls. Home means having the people you love with you and feeling a sense of safety and comfort. Many of these people have lost family members in terrible circumstances and have endured unspeakable trauma and hardships. When Catholic Charities arrives to pick them up at the airport, some only have the clothes on their backs and a small bag given to them by another agency. They do not know anyone, many don't speak English, and literally nothing except the family they might have with them is familiar. I'm sure it is very lonely and overwhelming to make such drastic changes all at once, so we hope the supplies we brought them help make them feel a little more welcome.

Some literally went from living in camps for many years to getting on a plane and walking into their first apartment of their own. Some of the refugees are not accustomed to the modern conveniences we enjoy in the Western world so it is an even bigger culture shock for them. The Executive Director, Patrick, was our tour guide and told us that they have had people who have tried to cook with charcoal in the middle of their living room because they are used to cooking everything over an open fire. He also shared with us that many of the refugees come from places where corruption is widespread and where bribery is expected. He said that since most refugees aren't familiar with how the laws in the U.S. work, and they have to be taught things like not giving a police officer or person of authority money when encountering them.

There are so many things we take for granted simply because we live in America. Mommy was raised Catholic and Daddy was raised Baptist, but neither of us are members of our original churches now. In many parts of the world, this would be reason enough to treat us with really terrible punishments way worse than time out. You are not old enough for Mommy to tell you all the details about these kinds of things, but just know that we were all fortunate to be born in the U.S. Although Daddy and I aren't Catholic, we appreciate the work this charity is doing (especially for refugees), and are also grateful they serve both the uppercase Catholic and lowercase catholic community. (In fact, we learned that 85% of the people they serve are not Catholic) Another fun fact is that the definition of "catholic" is "universal, including a wide variety of things; all-embracing." You, my forever "Little C," still encompass this better than anyone I've ever met. Help us to keep embracing those who need you and to welcome our newest neighbors so they truly feel that Oklahoma is home.

Mommy's last stop of the day was to the Sunnyside Diner, where they have a public pantry. The sign says, "Leave what you can. Take what you need." It is probably human nature to take more than we need, but something I've observed from the homeless community is that many seem to adhere to this principle. They know there are others like them who are still in need, so they leave enough for others and take what they need. We wanted the people who are in need to have food that is nutritious and will fill their bellies, so we left some tuna lunch kits and an assortment of protein packs. Originally, I was going to leave a third box of tuna kits inside, but something inside me told me that I should save one box back for anyone else I may encounter.

Well, guess what? On my way to meet up with the rest of our group, Mommy saw a lady selling the Curbside Chronicle! I pulled over into a parking lot and loaded a couple of tuna packs into my lap and circled back to be on the correct side of the road to buy a magazine from her. As soon as I got to the light, I flagged her down and she came to my window. I asked her if she liked tuna and she was so happy to receive a couple extra meals. Mommy finally got to buy her magazine. Pretty fantastic way to end another successful Nice on the 9th, Baby Boy.

I love you. I always will. Someday we will all be "home" together and none of us will ever have another fear or heartache again.

One day. One glorious day.

Love,

Mommy
XOXOXOXOX

P.S. For all your friends who read the entire super long post: Shirts are still coming soon, but I noticed a large discrepancy in the names, so I am looking into this to ensure that all families who want to have their child represented will have the chance.

#calebeffect
#benice
#NiceOnThe9th
#homelessness
#refugees
#humanrights

Come Join Us for March "Nice on the 9th!"

WOW! You guys rocked February's Nice on the 9th so much, it is hard to believe it is already almost time to do it again!

This month we will be spotlighting homelessness, so get out your new Caleb Effect t-shirts and spread some love wherever you are! 

We will be delivering items to a few locations throughout the day. If you are local and would like to donate an item or simply tour a facility with us, please join us! (comment below and let us know if you plan to attend one or both locations):

-2pm-Tour the Homeless Alliance and learn more about The Curbside Chronicle
(1724 NW 4th St, Oklahoma City, OK 73106) 

**Curbside Chronicle wish list includes:
-Packaged Snacks
-Bottled Water
-Hygiene Products
-Feminine Products
-Socks (sometimes these are worn for weeks or months at a time so the higher quality, the better)
-Hand/Body warmers

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-4pm-Tour Catholic Charities as they share information about their Refugee Resettlement program
(1232 N Classen Blvd., Oklahoma City, OK, 73106)

**Refugee Resettlement program wish list includes:
-Sheets
-Blankets
-Pillows
-Pots and Pans
-Household Items
-Hygiene products
-Dishes
-Cleaning Supplies (brooms/dust pans/mops/buckets, cleaning products, rags, etc)
-Trash cans

#CalebEffect
#benice
#NiceOnThe9th
#Homelessness
#HumanRIghts
#Refugees

A Category, Not a Cause-Week 1 SUDC Awareness Month 2018

Four years ago, I posted this picture. Caleb was three weeks old and I absolutely loved staring at his perfect face while he slept.

Today, this picture tears my heart out. Finding your healthy, happy child the way I did is the worst kind of hell I could wish upon anyone. Yet, in the U.S. alone, it is happening about 450 times a year. (See stats below).

A majority of the deaths that are categorized (because it is a CATEGORY of death and not a specific cause) as Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood or SUDC happen when a child is sleeping, although this is not always the case. Some children have literally been mid-sentence or taking care of household chores when they became unresponsive and could not be saved.

The SUDC Foundation supports families all over the world who went from watching their child's beautiful face, to living and reliving their worst, haunting nightmare. I can post on our secret Facebook page and warn everyone of a diaper commercial airing during the holiday season that is a highly triggering source of trauma. I couldn't turn my TV fast enough when I saw it, but I had to shield my eyes and make enough noise on my own to drown out the dozens of babies sleeping to the tune of "Silent Night."

Maybe a simple commercial doesn't sound horrifying to you but to people like me, there are triggers everywhere in daily life that we now have to learn how to face. Most people are fortunate enough to not understand why sleeping babies could send someone into a panic, but I knew this group would and wanted to spare someone else the racing heart and flashbacks. I used to love nothing more than to look at my sleeping baby, but now all of those pictures I took are wrapped with highly charged emotions and heartache.

The government funds research on SIDS, but not one penny has been spent by them to try to figure out why older children are dying without explanation. Without the SUDC Foundation, I can't share this picture and have people who understand. Even writing this post, I have Caleb's picture moved to the bottom of my screen because it is too upsetting to see. I wish I could just be sharing what should be an innocent, tender moment, but my life is forever changed. The SUDC Foundation is the only organization worldwide whose purpose is to promote awareness, advocate for research, and support those like me who are affected by SUDC. It is the 5th leading CATEGORY of death in toddlers; and even teenagers are not immune.

SOMETHING must be done, and I am encouraged to see everyone who has changed their profile pictures and liked the SUDC Facebook page. To learn more about the SUDC CATEGORY of death or the SUDC Foundation, go here: https://sudc.org/ or like their page here SUDC Foundation.

Based on 2016 statistics (the year we lost Caleb) provided by the CDC Wonder Database, those affected by sudden unexplained death, occurred in: 
-236 children ages 1-4
-30 children ages 5-9
-37 children ages 10-14
-142 teens ages 15-19

#SUDC
#SUDCAwareness
#SUDCIsACategoryofDeathNotACause
#SupportTheSUDCFoundation

SUDC Awareness Month

March is SUDC Awareness Month. The SUDC Foundation is the organization that is doing research to figure out why this little boy doesn't still have his forehead and little hand against my cheek. Losing Caleb without any answers stole the light from my eyes and the laughter from my face. SUDC stands for Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood and I will be sharing more about this wonderful charity all month long. Feel free to change your profile picture and like the SUDC Foundation page to create awareness, too. https://sudc.org

#SUDC
#SUDCAwareness

"I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends." Nice On The 9th" -The First To Be Celebrated On Caleb's Birthday

Caleb's birthday is a day that Ken Toey and I ache for our giggly, social boy more than usual. We grieve for the plans we would've had and our hearts hurt watching this day come and go without the star of the show. It seems especially cruel that we have now celebrated the same number of birthdays here on Earth with Caleb, as without. We wish we could be celebrating with friends and family, or watching Caleb's face as he opened vroom vrooms and tasted the first bite of cake.

We will ALWAYS be grateful for the time we were given here in this life to love and be loved by Caleb, and that love will never stop even though Caleb's heart did. We are not well-versed in asking for help, but we also realize there are limits to the brave faces and smiles we normally share on the 9th of every month. This was Caleb's first birthday since we began telling people to "be nice on the 9th," and we needed to take time to be by ourselves. We asked you to spread the love that Caleb so eagerly gave, and HOLY COW, YOU DID NOT DISAPPOINT!!

We have been collecting the names of everyone who completed a Caleb themed bingo, but please respond here just in case we missed you. We were absolutely blown away by our surprise t-shirt fundraiser for The Caleb Effect, and can't wait to see all of those colorful Caleb clothes all through the year! We are going to be able to share Caleb's joy and radiant life with so many people because of you. A special thank you to the organizers and to all of you who kept this a secret. It truly means everything to us to have Caleb's life remembered by people all over the world.

We put together a little slide show with all the pictures you shared, and you should know that there were so many that it literally took us days to go through and see everything. We hope we managed to include all of the images sent our way.

THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS. YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING AND YOU ARE MAKING ONE, BEAUTIFUL, FOREVER 2-YEAR-OLD SO PROUD. 
WE LOVE YOU AND SO DOES CALEB.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY BOY. 

#calebeffect
#benice
#NiceOnThe9th
#HappyBirthdayCalebLennon
@hotwheels

Happy Birthday, Caleb!

Happy birthday, Caleb Baby. Daddy (Ken Toey) and I haven't even read through these messages and pictures yet but wow, do you see how much you are loved, Baby Boy?

Daddy and I stuck to ourselves and hid away from the world. It is really hard to be around people on days like today, a day when our hearts are missing someone as much as we miss you. We hope you got our messages and the Cars balloons, or noticed the flicker in the candle that we lit just for you. We hope you light up the faces when the kids your size find the vroom vrooms we left for them, too.

We still wish we were lighting birthday candles and buying you vroom vrooms. That is a reality that makes Mommy and Daddy very sad. However, many people far beyond our house and community are getting to know you because of the kind of little boy you keep showing the world that you will always be. (I DID buy you two new domains and am going to make it a goal to be switched over to those sites and officially up as a non-profit organization by Easter.)

The Caleb Effect army of yours was out in full force so please show up in your unique way and tell them THANK YOU!!!!!

Baby Bear, you've added over 200 friends in one week! Who can say they have ever made that many friends so fast? We will probably never fully realize all the ripples of kindness you have thrown into this big pond we call life, but I hope you are getting to see every last way people are going to "be nice" because of you.

I ate veggie straws, "cah-doe," (avocado), turkey, and mango but I probably didn't eat the same quantity that you devoured when you were here. Mommy also drew the line at frozen peas. Tell Papa Roy, he is going to have to pick up the slack in that department.

I want you to know that your love transcends everything. Every political party, race, lifestyle, age, gender, religion, loneliness, wealth, hurts, and everything in-between. Today, your love was celebrated and people were united because of you. It will not stop there. Your love will be spread over and over not just on special days like today, but for many lifetimes still to come.

I started writing a list of some of the things I love about you and there ended up being 64 before I could squeak this under the wire and still make it to be posted on your special day. Coincidence? I think not. So, Caleb Baby, here are some of the literally millions of things I love about you and always will:

-That life was an adventure no matter how ordinary. I never could've known how much fun just riding in the car with you could be.

-Your sandy hair that was starting to thicken but that was still interlaced with the finest baby strands.

-Putting your cheeks with the perfect layer of "baby blubber" against mine. I could kiss you over and over for hours. Sometimes I was told that I held you too much, but I didn't care. I knew even then that there was nothing else I would rather be doing.

-Your beautiful blue eyes, so full of curiosity, inquisitive deliberations, wonder, determination, independence, your own way of doing things, joy, pure love, inclusive welcome, empathy, and a plan all your own.

-The way you would dance. Whether it was during the Greek Festival, at home listening to P!nk, pretending to be on Ellen, or just dancing to the music that was ingrained in our souls. I loved to watch you bob from one foot to the other as you threw in random "headbangs."

-Your slightly petite frame (shoulders, little feet ((although when you were a baby, they were too wide to find sandals)). You were never going to be a linebacker and being a touch small meant you already got to enjoy "hand-me-downs (or "hand-me-ups" as was the case for some of the things you wore from your slightly younger friends).

-The way you would run to me when it was time to pick you up from "1s" (you didn't do it as often when you went to "2s." You preferred to show me something or have me chase you (which also turned into chasing your friends and then getting jealous “my mommy”).

-Watching you eat. Stopping mid-bite to tell me something or point out whatever captured your attention.

-Your friendly and social nature, with the highest emotional intelligence of anyone I've ever met.

-The way you put both arms around my neck and squeezed me as tight as you could. I miss holding you and being so close.

-How your laughter was a full-body experience, contagious in every magical way.

-I love the way you love me.

-How you loved to stack things. You would get so mad when you would stack your vroom vrooms and the top car would fall down. Why did you insist on doing this? One day I will get to ask you this in person.

-When you ate so much your belly would stick out. Every now and then you would even misjudge how much clearance you had after a big meal. I had never seen a child eat so much in my life and I was slightly concerned for what our grocery bill would've become during your teenage years.

-The way you tried to take your own temperature when you were sick.

-The way you pronounced "Superman." It was something like "soup-uh-man," with a slight pause after the first syllable.

-Your high fives. "Aww wiiiiiiiiight."

-That no one could steal your joy. Your blaze of happiness engulfed everyone in your path and there was nothing they could do to stop you.

-The way you hooked your arm around mine when I carried you.

-Your love of the water. You put your face straight into the water even before you could walk. The next year, you jumped off the ledge after watching one of the big kids, and refused to wear your floaties from that point on. I would give anything to take you "wimming" just one more time. I hope you are teaching surfing lessons and playing with Nemo. Save a spot in your class for Mommy.

-The best laugh I've ever heard. A delightful sound that made us all double over like you and smile through squinted eyes. Oh how you must be keeping so many people entertained right now. I'm jealous of the angels and all your newest friends.

-How you really did smile with your whole face and love unconditionally with your whole heart.

-Your love of sirens and all emergency vehicles.

-The wonder in your eyes whenever you got to climb into all those vehicles at "touch-a-truck." I don't know who had more fun, you or Mommy.

-The way you loved your vroom vrooms and anything that moved. Your book "things that go" was pretty appropriate for you. You were just like that. Always on the go. Constantly in motion.

-Hearing you say "I love you!" I'm thankful I have a video of you shouting this to me. I love you, too, Baby Boy. I always will.

-Your smell. When you were brand new to this world it really was true. Your head still smelled of heaven. I would sit with the crown of your head right under mine and go back and forth, kissing your head.

-The way you always pointed out Jesus on the wall at school even though we had never been to church together.

-Your soft, porcelain skin. They say boys aren't supposed to be pretty, but you were.

-Fixing your hair. I loved spiking your hair with your gel or just smoothing it straight upwards and every which way in the bath (oh how you loved bath time).

-The way you walked around pinching your cheeks or belly for some reason. You were cute no matter what you were doing.

-Your sweet voice. The sweetest I've ever heard. A tiny, excited voice, said with a slight high-pitch and lips pressed together trying to contain the incoming smile.

-Your perfect little eyelashes. They were darker than the hair on your head, but not overly dramatic. They were barely long enough to start a small curl upward, as if a light rake was flipped upside-down, and just waiting to capture new friends and draw everyone closer.

-The way you raised your eyebrows JUST. LIKE. DADDY.

-Your stubbornness (I don't know where you got that…).

-The way you read to yourself. There is a picture of you sitting in your cubby by yourself (where most kids had to go for their "me time" to calm down) but you didn’t mind doing your own thing.

-Your baby lips that loved to give kisses. You had even had your first kiss, already. (I don't think Abigail's mommy was as entertained as I was, but I had already prepared myself to let you spread your love to whoever captured your affections).

-Your "boy ears" that were masculine and slightly floppy, and also very selectively tuned-in to whatever you were determined to be focused on on your own terms. I especially loved seeing your little ears as various hats rested on them. You were really starting to look more like a toddler and not a baby anymore when you wore them.

-How you just knew what people needed and how you acted immediately upon those needs. Daddy and I have told dozens of people about the lady on the airplane. (The one who you reached out to and went to sit with because somehow you knew she was sad because she just left her own grandkids).

-The way you loved "The Letter Show" AKA Wheel of Fortune.

-Watching you play with your toys. There was not a vroom vroom, boat, airplane, dump truck, or plastic singing recycling truck you didn’t love.

-Coming to "find" you when you didn't think I knew where you went to hide.

-How peculiar it was that you didn't mind hiding from Mommy in the pitch dark inside the laundry room. (I've wondered now if the reason you were okay with this was because you always had enough light within yourself to never be scared or fully in the dark).

-Your excitement and enthusiasm for each new day.

-How you never seemed to be afraid of anything (annoyed and not big enough to get away, but never terrified). One such time was trying to get away from YaYa and PaPa's dog. You were truly fearless, Little Boy.

-How you never let strep, random daycare illnesses, or asthma stop you from doing everything that you loved.

-The way you put your hands on my face (I didn't notice that until Ellis' mommy, Mira pointed it out).

-How you loved to cuddle, just like Mommy.

-How incredibly smart you were. You could count to 20, knew your colors and letters, and could nearly spell your name (I will never forget the look on Heather’s face when you started spelling your name on your 2nd birthday or when Sarah Toy told me that you knew more than some of the kids in her kindergarten class).

-You had my nose and I loved when you rested it on mine. We made each other laugh because our faces were so close and distorted. I miss being silly with you, Baby.

-I loved your impression of a fish. Opening and closing your mouth really quickly like you were gobbling the water.

-Your little chin that hadn't quite lost ALL your extra baby cheeks, and stuck out (especially when you made your eyes wide as you did when you were extra passionate about something).

-I love the way we both loved to give each other kisses and how Daddy had to intervene when our affections were delaying your bedtime.

-How you love me despite all my shortcomings. I wish I could take some things back or make other moments more grand, but I'm grateful that I truly never have to worry if you knew you were loved in this life and will always be loved by us for the rest of eternity. I just can't wait to love you for eternity, in-person.

-I loved how you clapped for yourself. We should all have Caleb-sized self-esteem.

-The way you ran and looked back at the same time. One such time resulted in a crash with the corner in the hallway, and a goose egg with a perfect line straight down the middle. You were not happy with the ice I put on it to get the swelling to go down so we didn't leave it on for near as long as I would've preferred. I felt so bad because I was the one chasing you.

-How we could make each other laugh without ever saying a word. Pictures and videos are still so hard, Baby Boy, but I will forever cherish the video of us laughing together on the couch. Neither of us says one word and Daddy even cut the video off before we were finished with our own made up game, but we said plenty and had the best time “chatting.”

-How you would blindly plop straight into my lap when you wanted me to read you a story.

-How you greeted Mr. Jeff and Nemo every time you came to school. I loved how Mr. Jeff would wait for us to get there and give him "fives" before going about his day as well.

-Your "hurricane hair" with a perfect swirl on the crown of your head.

-The sympathy pains you had for Grandma Faye after she hurt her knee. You rolled up your pant leg and told me how much it "hewwwt," and more than a week later, you were crawling on the floor and had convinced your teachers enough to call me. I was about to come pick you up when Mandi somehow figured out that you were okay and the doctors could hold off on their x-ray.

-Horse playing. I loved nothing more than being in the floor pretending with you and making you laugh. I usually get in trouble for "winding the kids up" but there was no one I loved to be animated and playful with as I did with you.

-How happy you made me.

-How you understood me perfectly and I completely understood you, too.

-Listening to you sing. I imagine that when I get to heaven and finally get to hold you, I will fall asleep to the sound of you singing to Mommy. Then, I will relax and truly rest. I think this is what people mean when they say "rest in peace." I will be so beyond ready for this day when it finally comes to greet me.

Happy birthday, Baby Boy.

I love you, Caleb Lennon. I always will.

One day.

Love, Mommy

XOXOXOXOX

#calebeffect
#benice
#NiceOnThe9th
#iloveyou
#happybirthdaybabyboy
#oneday
#sudcawareness
#HopefullySomedayThereWillBeAnswers

BINGO - CALEB Style

One week from today is a day our whole universe changed. A week overdue and with snow still on the ground, we welcomed Caleb into this world. As I said on his Facebook page, it was a day that was frigid outside but brought the kind of overwhelming love, joy, and warmth we never even knew could exist.  On that day, we were forever changed for the best. 

February 9th is a day we will never forget and it would mean the world if you don't either. Usually we mark the 9th of every month by going out into the community and sharing Caleb's love publicly. However, we've learned our limits. Days like this are just too gut-wrenchingly painful to try to put on a happy face, so we need your help. We will still be celebrating Caleb's beautiful life in our own way, but we would LOVE it if you would, too. If you want a fun way to remember Caleb and to spread the love that Caleb gave so freely to everyone, join us to play BINGO, Caleb style!!! 

I'm posting the BINGO/CALEB game now so you have time to think of what you want to do, but THE GAME DOESN'T START UNTIL CALEB'S BIRTHDAY ON FEBRUARY 9TH! 
Mark off one square, a row, or play for blackout!! Since this would've been Caleb's 4th birthday, PRIZES will be awarded to the first 4 people who earn a BINGO/CALEB and comment back to this post which squares you completed on The Caleb Effect Facebook page (bonus points for including pictures)!! 

We can't wait to see all the love Caleb's fan club shares with your part of the world!
#calebeffect
#benice
#NiceOnThe9th
#HappyBirthdayCalebLennon
#OneDay
#SUDC Foundation

Another Jam-Packed Day-Just the Way Caleb Liked It

Hi Baby Boy. I love you.

To say yesterday was jam-packed is the understatement of the year. I know we are only 9 (now 10) days in, but I can't help thinking about how even the most insane days remind me so much of you. Once you graduated from the wretched infant carrier, you LOVED going from place-to-place and all of the excitement even the most ordinary days would bring!

I miss hearing your little voice in the back seat pointing out the color and make of every semi, "vroom vroom," taxi, truck, bus, "shoe shoe." I miss passing a police car and slowing down not to comply with the speed limit, but to make sure you could see it too. I miss the way you pointed your little finger and gasped right before you recreated your enthusiastic siren sound effect you had for every emergency vehicle.

I remember my sweet auntie being fearful that you didn't want to be dragged all over one of the national parks where we took you hiking. She even offered to let us drop you off at her house and watch you while we trekked the hundreds of miles we covered together. Your daddy, the planner of the family, might have had to scale back the laminated itinerary a bit so we could coordinate our hikes and longer voyages in the car with your nap time, but we had such an incredible family trip with you.

You laughed as you played in the ocean still fully dressed, and were amused when a wave chased you back toward the shore. You rode on our backs in your friend, Jack's hiking backpack (though you mostly preferred Mommy get the extra workout), and picked leaves bigger than your head. You peeked down through huge, mystical clouds and saw cities that looked like toys. You fed the ducks for the first time, and found your own walking sticks and mud. You threw rocks into the lakes and clapped and giggled at yourself in delight. You made your own bird calls that echoed through the trees and amused the other park visitors wondering what kind of animal made that strange noise.

Whether is was a typical car ride to "2s" (AKA the 2-year-old daycare class), dancing to a band on Mommy's race day, or going to see your friends for a play date on the weekends, you always managed to fill your life and ours so full of love. My mind still can't comprehend both the magnitude of not having you here or how it was that you were able to completely win over literally EVERY SINGLE PERSON YOU MET during your 2 years, 2 months, and a small portion of your 23rd day. How is that even possible? They say you can't please everyone, but Caleb Lennon, you did! Even people who didn't like children had to admit that they thought you were pretty cute. Secretly, I think they also felt the love you coated them with the instant they looked into your beautiful, blue eyes. You were special and you always will be.

So, Baby Boy. We are still trying to be like you and share a layer of your magical, perfect love. We celebrate the day of the month you were born and even when it is a sprint, it is always worth it.

I hope Daddy and I made you proud yesterday.

Mommy knows sometimes she has more words than you probably have patience, so I will include more specifics about our first "Nice on the 9th" day of 2018 in each picture grouping.

I love you. I always will.

You will always be my greatest adventure, Caleb Baby. Even if I live to be 100, you will have crammed every second of every day I have left here with more love than I ever knew could overflow my heart.

One day.

Love,

Mommy
XOXOXOXOX

#calebeffect
#benice
#NiceOnThe9th
#grief
#ChildLoss
#RAK
#ThisLittleLightOfMineImGonnaLetHimShine

---

Hi Baby Boy. Mommy met the day early enough to see this beautiful sunrise. I watched a fun-loving little cutie so her mommy, a small-business owner, could rock a bridal event. Look how pretty her flowers are! You would have had so much fun playing outside with this little athlete and making impromptu artwork from things we found in the yard. I'm sure now you are seeing nature's paintbrush in ways we could never imagine. 

I love you, Baby Boy. — with Sarah A. Toy.

---

Hi, Baby. After playing with our sweet friend for the first half of the day, Daddy and I went to a place called Infant Crisis Services. Our friend, Scott Magnetti, at Dollar General helped us collect toys for this months' "Nice on the 9th," so we gave the ones for kids 4 and under to this really wonderful place, and saved the other toys for Calm Waters. Daddy and I also threw in a few things we thought they could use as well. This month, there was also a secret contributor who likes this organization, so the diapers we delivered are from them. We will be able to do more with their donation than just this, though, so stay tuned for more. Scroll down and I will tell you more about this place. — with Scott Magnetti, Ken Toey, Infant Crisis Services and Dollar General.

So, Baby. As I was saying, Infant Crisis Services gives families things like diapers, food and formula. These items are their main mission, but nice people also help them give kids and their families other items like clothes, sippy cups, toys, bottles, and baby soap. Can you imagine having to sit in a dirty diaper because you didn't have enough money to buy more? :( Want to know more about this charity? Keep scrolling to the next image. — with Infant Crisis Services.

Little Man, you were fond of the word "more" when eating, but many in our community won't be able to give their kids enough to eat. Many also don't have a washing machine so it is too expensive for them to use cloth the way we were able to save money. The Infant Crisis Center has been able to expand their mission and they even have a section with gallons of milk, dozens of eggs, and even carrots and potatoes! We agree. "No baby should go hungry." — with Scott Magnetti and Dollar General.

---

Mommy and Daddy's next stop was to Calm Waters. This is a place where people like us could go because we are very sad that you aren't here with us anymore. You didn't have any siblings, but Mommy and Daddy feel especially heartbroken for some of your new friends' families who leave behind brothers and sisters, or sons and daughters. — with Scott Magnetti, Ken Toey, Calm Waters Center for Children and Families and Dollar General.

One of the things they do here is to have families write messages about how they feel after they lose someone. Calm Waters also takes good care of people whose relationship has changed because of divorce. The one that really made Mommy sad was the person who wrote about wanting to go fishing. That's something Mommy wanted to do with you, too. — with Calm Waters Center for Children and Families.

Baby Bear, going through adult-sized issues like losing a brother or sister or having to move out of your house because your parents don't get along anymore are not fun. Those things are really hard even for big people, but can be very confusing for someone small. Mommy lost her daddy when she was 14 so she understands how it feels when something like this happens. One of the things they do here is to decorate a shoe box like you see in the picture on the bottom right and fill it full of memories of the life they used to have. I think you would agree that this group needed some toys to play with, so once again, with the help of our buddy, Scott, we brought some fun things to share!— with Scott Magnetti, Ken Toey and Dollar General.

---

Last, but certainly not least is that you have a cousin, Annalysa Longworth, who lives in Puerto Rico. She and her boyfriend survived a really scary hurricane! They were left in the dark until a charity called "Watts of Love" showed up. Read about it here. https://www.rd.com/true-stories/inspiring/lives-changed-by-charitable-gifts/

We thought it would be appropriate to share the most radiant light and life we have ever seen with this part of our country. I have never met this cousin, but I hope just like you have shown us, that she feels your love even when she can't see you. 

I love you, Baby Boy. Keep shining your rays of love on us. 

One day.

Love, Mommy
XOXOXOXOX

 — with Lili Oller, Annalysa Longworthand Watts of Love.

Our Superhero

PART 1 of 2

Hi Baby. I love you. Do you know what today is? Yes, it is the 9th! Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!! I wish we could see the animated way you would clap your hands and jump up and down, or how you would pinch your cheeks and clinch your teeth trying to contain all your excitement. I hope you had that same kind of overwhelming glee hearing your name being spoken by new friends and knowing all the love and joy you wrapped perfectly inside The Caleb Effect is being opened and shared, again and again. It is the one present that is always okay to be re-gifted, reused, and returned.

Mommy and Daddy spent the day trying to return some of the happiness you shared with us in your much too brief life. We know we will never be able to give you as much pure love as you poured into us, but we will spend the rest of our lives trying. We miss you, Baby Boy. Every second of every day you are missed and loved.

A snippet of that love was shared with Project Linus  (), after a thoughtful invitation from Gabrielle Luebk. You never saw the Peanuts show, but there is a little boy named “Linus” who carries around his blanket and sucks his thumb. Linus said, “Listen Charlie Brown, that old blanket soaks up all my fears and frustrations.” It is pretty amazing that something as simple as a blanket can do that. Kids who are in the hospital, living in shelters, or going through some very scary situations are tucked into their warmth. 

Even though we don’t really know how to sew, the ladies in the group were very patient in showing us how to cut and loop the pieces of fleece and clip the edges of the quilting squares just right. They even let Mommy use one of the vintage machines and didn’t complain when they had to get the string unstuck. 

Mommy and Daddy brought some “soup” (AKA Superman) fleece and a donation, and remembered the adorable way you pronounced this character. Sometimes you would say his whole name, but the “r” was non-existent, and there was always a pause at each syllable. 

You never slept with a blanket, but your “vroom vrooms” were your equivalent. You carried them around everywhere. They kept you company when you were bored or stuck in the car, and probably helped you work out some of your frustrations from teething, not being able to do something by yourself, or not getting your way. We hope with your help, these kids will feel the same comfort. Please wrap your arms around them and remind them that someone cares about every worry and struggle. The good guys are still winning, Baby Boy.

You may not have owned a red cape, but you will always be our little “Soup-uh-man,” Cal. L.

I love you. I always will.

Love, Mommy
XXXOOOXXX

#calebeffect
#projectlinus
Project Linus - Greater OKC Are

Fostering Love

PART 2 of 2

Hi Baby. I love you. We were going to “be nice” to a foster care agency last month, but we pushed it to this 9th when another sweet friend, Robin Feuerborn told us of an event that McCaleb Homes was hosting. It was a Christmas party for Aunt RoRo and “Unka Thomas’s” neighborhood, and it just so “happened” to be benefitting kids in foster care. It also just so “happened” to be scheduled for Dec. 9th, so she wanted to include you. 

It was an extremely thoughtful invitation, but I will be truthful and tell you that at first I didn’t want to do it. A shiny, red fire truck, Santa, Christmas infused games, and perfectly-placed decorations would be there, but you, our happiest little boy would not. No, that was too much for my heart to have to power through. We would sell everything we own if it meant we could take you to see Santa and watch the wonder and innocence in your face. We would treasure even a few more minutes to watch you climb up in a fire truck like you did at “Touch-a-Truck,” or in Vancouver, when a tanker parked along the Seawall waited for you to explore. We would’ve asked to hold you and peek out the window a little longer so Daddy could get more pictures. We would’ve tried to freeze the image of you staring at the uniformed fire fighter who squatted down and gave you “fives” and the gold “junior fire fighter” sticker badge you wore so proudly on your shirt. If we would’ve known your second birthday would be your last, we would’ve driven to more than one station on your special day, and made sure to find one that was open. No, this was not fair. 

Selfishly, we wish we were still taking you to all kinds of fun events all around town. We miss you, Booger Bear. It is still too hard for Mommy and Daddy’s heart to celebrate holidays without you. We normally avoid themes that make us wish even more that we were still watching a magical world through your eyes. Still, festivities are everywhere and we can’t hide from the fact that Christmas without you hurts. 

“No. Thank you for thinking of us, but no.” That’s what I wanted to say to Robin, but that is not how the story was written. We knew this was not just another series of “coincidences,” but rather your way of showing up to guide us and to do something big for you. 

Aunt Annie had already surprised us by sending 10 backpacks for our project, and our dentist, Dr. Willingham had already agreed to provide toothbrushes. This event was happening and we were going to do our part in trying to give kids more than a trash bag to carry their belongings from house-to-house. 

We never talked about kids in foster care, so maybe you are wondering what that means. Google’s definition of “foster” is “to encourage or promote the development of (something, typically something regarded as good)” or “bring up (a child that is not one's own by birth).” This is another concept I didn’t think we needed to explain until you were older, but one we thought you would want to share your love and kindness. When I read it, it also reminded me of Joseph in the Christmas story.

Baby Boy, you lived with your mommy and daddy your whole life, but some kids (in fact 11,000 just in our state) don’t get that option. There are lots of reasons why kids don’t always live with their parents, but each of them has their unique challenges. Sometimes mommies and daddies get so sick that they have to have other people help take care of their kids. Other times the parents know their kids would have a better life living with someone else. However, one of the hardest for Mommy to understand is when parents’ destructive behavior and temptations cloud everything else. Some kids have had to live with a parent they thought they could trust, but who end up hurting them. They are left confused and many even feel like it is their fault.

Sometimes kids go live with another family just for a little while, and other times, they are there for years. I know you were an exceptionally friendly little boy, but I imagine if something happened to Mommy and Daddy, you would've still been really scared to have to go live with someone you just met. 

Many times, when a child has to move in with a new family, they grab whatever they can quickly stuff into a trash bag. It is the most practical way to hurriedly leave a bad situation, but waiting for a safe place to live while sitting next to a garbage bag can make a kid feel like they are left out with the trash, too.

So, on to the happy part of the story! 

It took a whole community, but together we were able to buy 50 backpacks, which means 50 kids who will immediately have something other than a flimsy piece of plastic to call their own! 

Every backpack had a pair of socks, a book, some kind of activity pad or coloring book with crayons, a pencil, shampoo, conditioner, a comb, toothbrush, toothpaste, floss, Kleenex, a stuffed animal, and a handwritten note of encouragement. The younger kids also got a vroom vroom and the big kids got a stick of deodorant. We know it won’t fix a broken family, but we hope each bag brings a few of the basics and a little bit of comfort to a less than ideal situation. 

Mommy is also very happy to report that the Christmas party was a tremendous success! The Edmond Fire Department and Edmond Kiwanis brought Santa to the neighborhood in the fire truck and lots of little girls and boys got to have their picture taken while they told him how nice they have been all year. Those boys and girls also brought a mountain of presents that went with the backpacks to Angels Foster Care. There was a huge turnout! You could barely even see the floor or the bed because there were so many gifts! 

Your cousin, Hailee got to participate this month, so we put her to work manning the “pin the nose on Rudolph” station. Mommy was next to her as kids your age tried to toss their rings onto the blown-up antler contraption I was wearing on my head. There was a little boy that reminded me of you who was so excited when he got one of his rings caught onto my antler that he jumped up and gave me a hug. I knew if you were here, you guys would have played together and made a chocolate chip mess all over your faces.

It was still difficult to see the other toddlers climbing into the fire truck and to tell Santa why we were there, but we held it together for the most part. I wanted to go outside and tell the fire fighters “thank you,” but I knew that would make Mommy too emotional. Maybe they will read it here and realize even more what events like yesterday can mean to a family. 

Please let everyone who made this event possible and who helped us spread The Caleb Effect know how grateful we are to have been included. Numerous new friends got to learn about you and many more will be hugging their kids and grandkids tighter. As we have said many times, tomorrow is not guaranteed and we never know when an evening surrounded by the ones we love will be the last.

What we DO know is that we will continue to make the decision to let your light and beautiful life shine above our own desolation. We will smile through the tears and embrace the extra hug when doubts creep in. We will keep facing every day trying to be more like you, and we will share your doses of kindness even if it feels like it’s not enough. You were always enough for us, Little Man. 

How lucky were we that we got to encourage and promote the development of someone everyone regards as good.

Your first Christmas outfit was right. “Best gift ever.” Caleb, you will always be the best gift we’ve ever received. We hope all the angels are being the best foster parents for us until we have you, our perfect gift, back in our arms.

I love you. I always will.

One day.

Love, Mommy
OOOXXXOOO

A very special thanks to the following for making this event possible:

McCaleb Homes-volunteers and funding for backpacks
Robin Feuerborn-funding for backpacks
Annie Lindo-donation of backpacks
Bittersweet Design Boutique-event flyer
Stephanie Timmermeyer-50 “Savannah Finds a Lovey” books and super soft “loveys”
Fairfield Inn & Suites Oklahoma City Yukon-Shampoo, conditioner, combs
Compass Coffeehouse-coffee and hot cocoa
Jason's Deli-cookies
Angels Foster Family Network OKC-hope to brave kids
Edmond Kiwanis-Santa on a Fire Truck
Edmond Fire Department, Government-Santa on a Fire Truck
Willingham and Reiter, D.D.S.-toothbrushes, toothpaste and floss

#calebeffect
#benice
#fostercare
#Christmas
#HotWheels
#ItTakesAVillage
https://www.thecalebeffect.com

"You will never have a completely bad day if you show kindness at least once." -Greg Henry Quinn

I had to go to the vet this morning to drop off a “specimen.” As I was waiting for the lab results, I noticed the electronic candles at the check-in desk became lit. I looked closer and read that when the lights are on, it means someone is saying goodbye to their beloved pet. It was a reminder to be respectful and to keep voices low in a very tough moment. We had been in this predicament at this same vet just 2.5 years ago when we had to put my German Shepherd/Lab, Sofie down after a sudden and catastrophic illness. I immediately felt helpless knowing someone was going through the agonizing pain of watching their furry companion take their last breath. 

The lab results were taking longer than they realized so I was sent home, but not before I realized I still had some kindness rocks in my car with little notes of encouragement attached. I left one with a ladybug for whoever was having a very difficult day in the room just beyond the wall from where I stood. 

As I drove home, it made me think about how once again I don’t believe it was a “coincidence” that I “happened” to be there at that very moment and how I hoped the small gesture made a tiny shred of warmth appear amidst their heavy sorrow.

The 9th is coming up and I thought I would share this experience in hopes that you will be thinking of ways to bring someone a bit of compassion as well. We have something really exciting planned, but if you have little ones who love to draw endless pictures, maybe they could create sympathy cards for people who will bring their four-legged family members in to the vet but walk out with an empty leash or collar. Print out the “Rainbow Bridge” poem and one of the kindness message templates to include with each card. As your kids are busy writing their wish lists and circling everything they want for Christmas from toy catalogs, have them spend an extra few minutes spreading the true Christmas spirit to people in need of cheer. Crayons and paper are cheap, and kindness is free.

#calebeffect
#benice

Save the Arts, Thank a Teacher

Dropped off a trumpet that was graciously donated by someone from the Piedmont Facebook marketplace. Mr. Annesley also got a few goodies to help him weather the band's outdoor performances and a gift card to help purchase sheet music.

Webster also gets bonus points as I got to hug Sarah Odusi, their sweet school counselor! — with Jon Annesley and Sarah Odusi at Webster Middle School.

Some of the schools The Caleb Effect visited this month serve a large percentage of children with challenges that extend far beyond their math tests. We thought it would be nice to give the elementary art teachers simple supplies to create fun activities in addition to their gift cards. We hope kids enjoy popsicle sticks, glue and paint as much as we did when we were younger.

We also gave the teachers a couple of "high five" kits to catch kids being nice or to encourage a child who needs an extra boost. These had all the materials needed to create a plaster copy of the children's hands and enough paint to decorate them. They also had a handwritten note attached.
#BeNice
#BeeYourself
#calebeffect — at Martin Luther King Elementary School.

The Caleb Effect left a surprise for the theatre/dance teacher and one for Anderson Music Studios. Thank you, teachers! — with David Anderson at John Marshall Mid/High School-OKC PTSA.

I had just come back from delivering 4 out of the 6 surprises but was still really down. Eight years ago on Nov. 9th, my friend, Jake Meier lost his life to a seizure. I was still having trouble making the joy rise above the tears, and apparently, so was Mama Meier Sandy Meier). Jake was the little brother I never had. Now he is the one looking out for me. I don't know what I did to earn such spec...See More

— with Debbie Harmon Yeargin Rueda.

We didn't forget about vroom vrooms. Dollar General is having a BOGO sale so we stocked up.

What do you get when you buy 276 Hot Wheels (We've hit a few more stores since this original post, Final tally to be counted soon)?

You get THE DISPLAY TO TAKE WITH YOU!!!

The rainbow as you are leaving is just Caleb's way of showing approval :)

W/ Bernie Lindo Wile & #TheCalebEffect

(I'm a little late in posting, but the sentiment is just as heartfelt.) 

Hi Baby Boy. I love you. Happy 9th! Today is also a day that is mixed with sadness, as it has been 8 years since Mommy's buddy, Jake Meier left us unexpectedly. I didn't know if we would be able to still make it a happy day, but thank you both for the special rainbow in the sky despite not having any rain.

We remembered you today by celebrating teachers who share their love of the arts with kids. We wish we could’ve visited every school and left surprises for all the teachers in the world, but maybe you can talk to Santa and help us make that happen soon. 

My little bear cub, we treasure all the sweet footprint art, finger paintings, and coloring pages you made while you were still here. We loved seeing you overcome by music’s power as you stomped your Velcro shoes and clapped along to the cadence felt straight into your heart. We were ecstatic about all the future preschool productions to come, and we could almost guarantee you would be that little boy making faces at us and waving in the middle of a song. Mommy and Daddy were very private about posting too many pictures of you online, but I have a feeling you would’ve become a viral sensation just to prove to us that you always had your own plans. 

Baby Boy, Mommy didn’t grow up in a school that offered things like musical theatre, drama, or dance, but she DID get to participate in choir and band (She might have also signed up for band despite Grandma’s explicit instructions forbidding it, but that is a story for another day.). I had the same music teacher from 6th-12th grade and I will never forget her as long as I live. 

Mrs. Yeargin came into my life as I made the transition from elementary school to the illustrious middle school. I remember being excited that I would get to change classes throughout the day and finally have a locker to decorate and secure my private thoughts. Sixth grade was also an incredibly awkward time when teachers talked about things that we had yet to explain to you and that made me want to go hide under my desk until they were finished. The boys in my class also never missed an opportunity to point out how these discussions of puberty and hormones were obviously not yet part of my reality as a late bloomer. Still, I had started shaving my legs the year before to keep up with what little trends made me fit in.

If fitting in was something to try to attain, normally people don’t think of joining band. However, in our small town, every kind of social group was represented there. It didn’t matter if you played basketball or quiz bowl or whether you were gay or straight. At half-time of every game where we marched, you were sure to see the quarterback of the team with black chalk under his eyes and a trombone in his hands. Standing next to him was the class clown with his trumpet and then the shy kid and his saxophone. Still, a few rows beyond them you would find the captain of the cheer squad and her snare drum ricocheting “Go Big Blue,” and every other group in between. For one hour of every day, the lines in the cliques were drawn with pencil that Mrs. Yeargin kept pushing to help us erase. 

Yes, I learned much more in her class than how to play the flute and piccolo, or simply the words to “Beautiful Dreamer.” From the minute I met my new band and choir teacher, I knew she would make at least two periods of my day fun. Mrs. Yeargin was a lady with a quick-witted sense of humor who laughed easily. She also knew when to let us talk and when it was time to silence the chatter. She was someone who had to ask for help putting away instruments in the top, wooden cubby, but when she wanted her class to listen, you can bet 100 wide eyes stopped whatever they were doing and paid attention to the conductor behind the music stand. 

She called us her “kids” and treated us like her own, constantly picking up piles of stiff, high-waisted pants and wayward shoes, and always managing to find the owners of each before the uniforms were needed again. She had us laughing so hard we were crying as she presented us with “awards” we had earned for various antics throughout the year and welcomed us into her house even after her eyelids couldn’t stay as open as her door.

I met Mrs. Y at a time when our regular family chaos was mixed with confusion and false hope after two-years of my daddy’s fight with Lou Gehrig’s Disease. He had already lost his voice and the use of his legs, and his arms were quickly catching up. She did not ignore the things she knew were already weighing on my mind and her office became a safe place for questions, tears, and prayers. She pushed us outside our comfort zones and taught us to dream bigger than the city limits of our small, farming town. She went above and beyond to provide opportunities that we never would have had on our own. 

She took us to Stillwater every year, where I ate at Eskimo Joe’s for the first time and where we learned to play colorful, plastic cups on the sidewalk outside. We got to participate in OSU Band Day, where despite being a Sooner fan, I couldn’t deny the thrill I felt while being on the field in front of the crowd at my first college football game. She accompanied us and sent in hundreds of audition tapes so we could go to Tri-State Music Festival, a three-day event where we got to stay in a hotel and eat pizza multiple times a day. She showed us the wonder of walking out on the ice and being announced under the lights to sing the Star-Spangled Banner for a Blazers hockey match. She taught us to be grateful for what is most important in life after losing our friend and 4 out of 5 of his family members to a drunk driver. A few months later, she encouraged those same humble voices and spirits to sing “Angel’s Among Us” for a ceremony for first responders of the Oklahoma City bombing. 

She got up before the sun and drove a bus and her patience all over the state. She listened to us when we needed her most, and sacrificed time with her family to talk to us long after the last bell rang. She gave us courage to stand up for what is right and to dig your heels in when you know any other way would compromise your principles. Despite all the unique ways her students marched to the beat of their own drums, she knew that together we make more beautiful harmonies. 

She was there for me when I was called home from school when my dad had finished his mission here on Earth, and she continues to be here for me as we do our best to cope with the massive hole in our hearts from losing you. Yes, there will always be a special place in my soul for cummerbunds; pastel, floral wrap-skirts; and Mrs. Yeargin. Thank you for staying with us until the last conversation, parent, or daylight disappeared. I love you.

Caleb Baby, I wish you could’ve had a chance to meet her. Please inspire others to thank all of their teachers, but especially those in the arts. Classes like the ones I described are disappearing and not all of us find our way so flawlessly and instinctively the way you did. People like Mommy still need this instruction and creative outlets. We would give anything in the world to sing the “bus song,” “star,” or any other song you wanted us to sing to you. In fact, because of music teachers in my life, Mommy wrote you your own version of “star.” I pray you heard me, Sweet Boy.

Keep letting all of our voices be heard in all the artistic ways we have been given on this Earth.

I love you.

Love, Mommy
OXOXOXOXO

#calebeffect
#savethearts
#benice
#kindness

18 Months Without You

(I originally wrote this on the 2nd and into the wee hours of the 3rd, but felt it was too sad to post after I read it. I went back today and tried to add some brighter moments, but there is still not enough sugar or optimism to coat on this kind of pain. How could this beautiful boy that is staring right at me not still be here? His coat is hanging on the hook and his monster water bottle is ready for another walk through our neighborhood.)

Never noticed the butterfly-shaped grass on the sidewalk next to Caleb until now.

Hi Baby Boy. I love you. Mommy’s heart is so sad. This morning brought back all of the feelings of May 2nd, waking up to the horror of not having you here anymore. You were already heavy on my mind as I sat staring into nothingness from the couch. However, as soon as Daddy came out of our room to start the day, I felt the familiar panic. It’s like the same thick air, shock, pressure, and tight knots in my stomach all launched their coordinated assault in precise unison and snatched all the oxygen from my chest.

It is also All Souls Day which I suppose is fitting, although we remember you far more than just today. This day brought the kind of stillness and quiet that has been eerily present since your joyful voice and laughter were silenced. I still shake my head and fight off this reality. This can’t really be true. No, this is not how we imagined our family unit. You always had at least one of us with you every day of your life. Mommy and Daddy WANTED to spend time with you. We LOVED being together! It is such a massive shock to go from laughing and having the grandest time living in the moment with you, to never getting to see you for the rest of our lives. I don’t know how to wrap the logical side of my brain around this enormous hole or be okay offering my obliterated heart, zero resolution.

My little boy, I know we are the type of people who were born with more energy than most, but Mommy is exhausted in so many ways. I still desperately need your help even if you don’t need me for anything. The tears fall and I hear myself audibly tell you, “I would do anything to play with you right now.”

I remember something I told one of the police officers as I was being escorted into the living room to begin my interrogation. In a cracking voice that sounded as though I was hearing it from outside my own devastated body while being forced to abandon yours, the words became louder. “I’m glad our house is a mess, because we played with that little boy!” I blink and look around again, but the large pictures from your memorial service are still there and so is this awful truth.

It still takes more force and effort to breathe, Baby Bear. All our hopes and curious anticipation for your future didn’t just vanish into the night the way your soul did. We will always wonder who you would’ve grown up and become. How tall would you be? What new friends would you have? What kinds of things would you know now? What toys would be your favorites? So many swirling questions. Why aren’t you still here? How did this happen? How does a healthy toddler go from a simple ear infection and fever you had experienced literally dozens of times to this? How could a doctor who saw you the day before and many other professionals who saw you after, not find ANYTHING that could explain this sudden and drastic shift?

Surprisingly, and inexplicably, I’m not angry like I was when my dada died, but my mind is still rifling through the facts to discern some sort of scientific cause that probably doesn’t exist for you. You were 2, not 82. There is nothing “natural” about losing you, and it is overwhelming to still not be able to answer the stabbing yet understandably human probe pointed at us. Even well-meaning people raised their eyebrows and couldn’t refrain from asking us this before offering a hug or inquiring about how we were holding up. It is not a greeting or first question I can recommend, but that doesn’t prevent it from still looping in my memory- “What happened?”

Even brilliant physicians and scientists are baffled, but I am not satisfied despite their thorough and determined efforts. There is constant culpability for what we should or shouldn’t have done or what we could’ve missed. The “mom guilt” asks if you would still be here if I would’ve stayed home with you and let your immune system build, or if you would’ve had that second set of ear tubes that we were about to schedule after gaining clearance from your asthma doctor. What if we would’ve slept in your room with you? Would that have changed the outcome? Would we have heard something to alert us that the baby monitor didn’t? Was there something evil in our house? Are we being punished by God for all our shortcomings? Did you suffer? God, I hope you didn’t suffer. There are a million and one unanswered questions and “what ifs,” but I’m told that none of them serve me well. Still, I can’t help but think about what could’ve possibly stolen my heart and soul away from me. You never had any catastrophic illnesses, but any time the typical daycare viruses came through, you were guaranteed to catch them.

Will we ever solve this lingering and disturbing mystery? Maybe this is some kind of extended nightmare. I wrack my brain but none of it makes any sense. Could I be in a prolonged coma and someone is going to shake me until I wake up from this realm? Yet, every time I ask myself that question, I see the wretched proof and physical reminders in far too many morbid forms. They grip my core and squeeze with all their might, but I can’t escape. I have to stay here and rely on distractions and stubborn grit to take a breath and then another.

Still, there is nothing from which anyone can tell us that you needed protection, and I hate that more than I can possibly convey. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you, Baby Boy. I’m more regretful than I can ever tell you. I will always be sorry your Mommy couldn’t protect you from whatever took you from us. That was my job and I’m sorry I failed you. Without any warning, call for help, or explanation, you were gone. I desperately tried to bring you back, but it was too late. Stress and swift punches to the gut have taken their shots this week for a variety of reasons, but today, the strings were cinched especially tight. There are so many things that are too nauseating to talk about, and even more that I will never tell you and that require an immediate shift in focus to fight off the disturbing images.

None of these things probably even matter to you now, but you should know that I miss you, Caleb. I miss you fiercely, day and night. There is never a time that you aren’t on my heart and mind.

I thought I was worn out enough to sleep after the sun came up today, but I still need your help in this area. Daddy put it best several months ago when our counselor asked how we were coping. Thankfully, you had not yet learned one of the words he used to describe what it’s like to live in our new “normal,” but it rhymes with “ducked.” He’s right. We are “messed up.” Apparently, there are also more G-rated terms like not being “regulated,” having “traumatic” and “complicated grief,” and “PTSD,” but what do we do with these labels? I hear from others who have counted more days away from their kids than us, and many are still just as paranoid. Some never had the same kinds of struggles, and some rely on a concoction of pills, alcohol or denial to fill the void. I know anyone going through this kind of hell has a unique story and are probably just doing their best to survive. However, if I have to still be here without you, I want to have a clear enough mind to tell the world what an incredible little boy I was given for 2 years, 2 months and somewhere into his 23rd day.

Baby Boy, I miss you. I hate this. I hate being separated from you.

I know nothing can separate my love for you, but tonight, we also parted with the food Mommy and Daddy bought specifically for you when you were still here. You left behind a box of Cheerios; Star Wars Honey Maid; animal crackers; two kinds of applesauce; frozen peas; a mango mix that would’ve had to be replaced long before now; Blueberry pancakes; waffles; PB&J bars that I’m pretty sure you tried and didn’t like; Pedialyte freezer pops (that once again you couldn’t be coerced to eat); and your bright yellow Peeps from Easter that you never got to try. I know you can’t consume these things anymore but there is still so much guilt and tears for erasing one more tangible thing of yours that should still be a part of our daily lives. New knots in my core are violently secured, and Mommy’s body literally tried to expel them. I think about all the things no one else but those who have lost the most special members of their household will ever realize. I know grief will never be “over” in this lifetime. I will never eat a Veggie Straw or mango without thinking of you, Sweet Boy. I will never see a container of hummus and not wish I could spread it on a Hawaiian roll the way you liked. In fact, I have not eaten a Hawaiian roll since, and every time I see them at the store it gets me. I also know that control is an illusion, but I thought it would be better to remove these perishable pieces from their places on our terms before time or pests destroyed them on theirs. Still, I never thought I could miss frozen peas. How did those ever taste good to you anyway, Angel Baby?

I miss you more with every passing day. If you had to go, why couldn’t we come with you? Or better yet, why couldn’t we take your place? Daddy and I would trade you places in less than a nanosecond if we could, Baby Boy. Do you know that? We love you so much we would gladly die for you without hesitation. You are worth that and so much more. You never got to have your own babies, but somehow, I think you already knew how to love the way you made us so easily and utterly enamored by you. It’s true that little babies and children can’t take care of their basic needs, but isn’t it interesting that they instinctively know how to love with all their hearts? Thank you for perfectly loving your imperfect parents, Caleb.

I genuinely don’t want to be miserable for the rest of my life. I want to keep working at pushing myself to have moments of socialization, kindness, smiles, and love, but it takes a Herculean effort. My sole new purpose in life is to let your love shine brighter than my own sadness. It is the one thing that I finally discovered takes away the temptation of being with you now. I came to the realization that if I join you on my own accord and take myself out of my misery, it would overshadow your life, and I can’t let that happen. It is more important for me to let your light and legacy live, and to make sacrifices for you than it is to stop my pain. Right or wrong, we are still trying to cope with this intense brokenness as naturally as possible and without any temporary numbing agents. Please keep our focus honed so that we can continue to spread your love and kindness through The Caleb Effect to those who need it most. I know I’ve said this before, but we really aren’t officially counting months since the worst day or our lives anymore, but today was still significant to me as another six months trudged slowly on. We also know it means we are six more months closer to hugging you and never having to let go ever again. 

Today marks 18 months since we last kissed your beautiful, perfect face. You really did have the most gorgeous face. Like the purest porcelain that was softened by all that is good and nurturing, and cheeks even chapped with winter air and eczema, formed subtle, pink roses beneath the surface. When you were a tiny baby, I used to put our cheeks together and hold you like that for hours. I loved feeling your smooth face against mine and the way you fit peacefully nestled under my chin. One of the three amigos’ mamas pointed out that you liked to put your hand on Mommy’s face often, too. She noticed multiple pictures of you with your hand cradling my face and made me remember your eager affection. I also remember us having a discussion about how she would never be able to sleep the way she saw a picture of us together with your forehead against mine and the ball of your fist safely leaning on Mommy’s cheek. Oh, how I wish you could come rest your tiny fingers on my cheeks again. I would go back and forth across the strands of your mousy baby hair like I used to, and rest my lips on your crown.

I loved kissing your sweet toddler head, scented with your Aveeno shampoo and heaven. I could stare at your innocent, concentrating blue eyes or sweep your wispy, but thickening, silken baby hair for the rest of my life. I could give you butterfly and Eskimo kisses and hear your laughter when it tickled the mirrored, 2-year-old version of my own nose. I could watch you try to stay awake and finally close your eyes when you thought Mommy was falling asleep, too. You inherited Mommy’s same “bowtie, Lindo” mouth, but somehow you managed to have a lot more beauty and color infused in your contagious, radiant grin. There is nothing I loved more than holding you and feeling all your love when you squeezed me back and gave me the best toddler lip kisses. I could kiss every square inch of your beaming face that hadn’t lost your last sweet layer of “baby blubber.” From the edges of your chin, to your faint but expressive eyebrows, past your little boy forehead, and over to the slightly elfish ears you got from your Daddy, I miss every part of you. I was certainly not productive in the traditional sense that mothers are pressured and measured by in our culture during your time here on Earth, but I wouldn’t trade my time spent holding you cuddled against me for anything.

Eighteen months, a year-and-a-half, 547.5 days. Any way we look at it, it feels like a lifetime. Every day is one too many days without you, and every day you are gone we are kicked closer and closer toward the day you will have spent an equal amount of time in heaven as on this Earth. I thought we would have at least 18 years before you would earn your emancipation, but you always were advanced.

Our house is still a mess and so are our hearts. God help us.

I miss you.

I love you.

I always will.

One day.

Love, Mommy
OOOXXXOOO

#childloss
#grief
#IWillAlwaysLoveYou

Halloween 2017

Hi Baby. I love you. Today is Halloween, a day that used to be Mommy’s favorite, but one that is still far too painful to power through without you. I absolutely hate that we don’t get to dress up as a family, going house to house and watching you squeal with excitement at all the candy and new friendships you would be collecting. Every night leading up to today, there have been pumpkin patches, tractor rides, trunk-or-treats, and all kinds of carnivals and festivities that you would’ve enjoyed. We loved doing these things with you, and hope you know that Daddy and I wish so badly that we still could. 

Halloween always felt to Mommy how she imagines Christmas feels to those who love seeing the first signs of lit trees and giant snowflakes in the stores. Yes, it was my own Christmas in October, but all the excitement and fun left with you. I really hope you took everything I loved about today and are up there preparing the most incredible party for us for when we finally get to see each other and hold you in our arms again.

Halloween was a day to be silly, outlandish, and make people laugh. It was a day when I got to bring mini-cupcakes with orange and purple icing to your classroom and watch you and your friends make a sticky, royal mess together. It was a day that made going to work fun, seeing everyone with a lighter heart and bowls of candy waiting at their desks. It brought Mommy’s opera makeup tackle box down from the back of the closet and open to life with enchantment springing out of every shallow, rectangular compartment. It was hair dye and glitter, bobby pins and bright pink blush. It was dramatic blue hues of eyeshadow and multiple trips to thrift stores to find just the right pieces. It called for toxic clouds of hair spray and pantyhose turned into makeshift wig caps. (Sometimes the ironing board even made a guest appearance.) It took shape with “Bubba teeth” and pipe cleaner, and required “seamstress-challenged” power tools. I would have taught you the value of duct tape and coat hangers, and as time ran low, important decision making skills like whether to settle for staples and a healthy supply of safety pins, or to go with the trusty Velcro. 

It was the one day a year when the playing field was decisively tipped in my favor, as even the poor kids with a little creativity and a cardboard box could still win costume contests. A day full of wonderment, observed especially by children, and big kids like Mommy, who have child-like spirits. It was a time for plastic spider rings that were too big for you, but slid onto Mommy’s ring finger easily, as if to signify her first love that has had her heart from the beginning. It was a special day we spent sharing with friends, and a night that always reminded me that those false eyelashes were still nestled in their slot because Mommy never learned how to put them on herself without gluing her eye shut. 

It was also a day I got to pick you up early and spend the extra time hearing the elation and sugar in your tiny voice. Your talking and jibber jabber was rapid and complete with expressive eyebrows, jumping, random tight hugs, and clenched teeth to show Mommy how much you love her. I already knew the joy for this day was forming inside you and I couldn’t wait to see you grow up and experience it in your own way. You loved Halloween for different reasons than Mommy, but I can’t even tell you how extraordinary it was to get to share two of these holidays with you. You had the bug, my little monkey and that makes today hurt that much more. 

I wonder what you would’ve wanted to be this year. Would you have been coerced to dress up in something Mommy picked for you again, or would you have your own ideas for morphing into one of your favorite characters? 

Mommy liked it best when she became so disguised that even people who saw her every day didn’t recognize her. Remember Ms. Chantel’s face when Mommy came into your class looking like an old man with a baggy suit and “Bernie” campaign stickers? That’s how I feel now. I walk through these days, but I don’t recognize any of them anymore. They do not mean what they used to and I am not the same person I once was when you were here. It’s like my emotions are broken. I can see the world around me, but it is still like they are through that foggy glass I told you about when Mommy and Daddy took that first flight. 

When you came along my excitement was palpable. Having you made me fall in love with Halloween even more. It suited me. YOU suited me. I do a pretty good job of choosing to have moments that honor you, but tonight is a night that it feels like all the joy was stolen with you. Like the song Mommy learned in music class all those years ago, “Fingernails, lunch pails, apple cores, too. Stir them in my witches’ brew, I got magic, alaka-zama-ka-zoo.” We had the most perfect, magical moments with you, Sweet Boy. Still, there is a cauldron of memories bubbling and so many more that I wish we would’ve had a chance to mix together and create. 

You should be running through the neighborhoods with your cousins and your plastic bucket, and Mommy should have Kleenex stuffed in her pockets, ready to wipe your cute little pink nose from this 40-degree night. Maybe we would’ve done a really big group costume this year with our friends and you would be the star of the show as you always preferred. We probably wouldn’t have been able to give you all the time you wanted with all of your instant and adoring fans, and I’m certain you would still have plenty of high fives and unsaid greetings. I also imagine you probably would’ve been mad at Mommy and Daddy for making you come inside and you may have arched your back and thrown a proper toddler tantrum. 

Maybe someday we will feel like taking out the earbuds that are drowning out the sounds of neighbors but today is not that day. Today, all the fun is sucked out and I miss you like a person who has gone mad. There are many days that I can at least put in a half-hearted effort, but this is not one of them. I was never into the scary, bloody parts of this holiday, but now, I notice all of the death-related decorations stirred in the pot and they are even more disturbing. I don’t need any more reminders of death. I can’t even process the most horrific loss that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I don’t know that I will ever be able to do this.

There is not a way to humanly describe how much I miss you, Caleb. My mind is not really here on Earth. I think of you incessantly and remember both the pure bliss as well as all the wretched things that I’m struggling to overcome during these “vampire hours.” I just know what I’m missing, and my heart aches that very few in our neighborhood realize there is the most beautiful, little boy not out there with them tonight. To know you is to love you and there is no one I knew and will always love more than you. You had all kinds of incredible tricks to show us, but Baby Boy, you will always be my biggest treat. 

One day. 

Save a bucket for me.

Love, Mommy
OOOXXXOOO

#IMissYou
#Halloween

Friendship Knows No Bounds

There were three of us on the same floor at work who were pregnant at the same time. Naturally, the three babies and their moms grew to be best of friends, and the babies were known as "the three amigos." They shared many play dates, slobber, and love during their time together. The mommies sent numerous group texts with their joys, challenges and the most adorable pictures of the moments spent away from each other. When we lost Caleb, I asked that the mommies please continue to include me in these messages. Last night, I got one such message that hit me straight in the chest:

"A sweet conversation we had tonight: 
Me: I love this book. (picks up ‘Good Night Good Night Construction Site book) 
Jack: Me too. Maybe we can give it to Caleb so that he remembers me too. Like we pass out cars to remember Caleb.

After Jack went to sleep I went for a walk with my mom and saw a shooting star as soon as we stepped outside. ❤️"

I love the pure hearts and honesty of children. They are truly the one, perfect part of Earth. Despite being only 2-years-old when Jack lost his BFF, he still remembers Caleb, and doesn't shy away from speaking his name. As I've said many times, I don't believe in coincidences, but I do believe that Caleb still remembers Jack, and all those who will always love him. He is still nudging us gently (and sometimes not so subtly) to be the best version of ourselves despite our heartache, and to spread The Caleb Effect every chance we get. 

I thank God for the gift of friendships made because of you. Keep staying close to us, Baby Boy. Someday we won't need the signs because you will be back in our arms. In the meantime, we're listening and fumbling through. We miss you, Little Bear Cub.

One day.

Love, 
Mommy
XOXOXOXOX

#calebeffect
#benice
#friendsforever
#outofthemouthsofbabes

Caleb Rocks

Hi Baby Boy. I love you. Happy 9th Baby Bear. I know it is technically now the 10th, but we had a full day and I wanted to give you the time that you deserve. Mommy just finished putting the final touches on our arts and crafts project today. I hope you like it.

We miss you like crazy. I guess your kitty missed you even more than usual, too, because this morning he managed to pull out your drawer with your shoes in it and dump them on the floor. Either he missed you or he wanted to try to wear your shoes the way you always liked to do with Mommy and Daddy’s because Daddy found one of your flip flops full of bite marks that Smudge carried all the way across the living room. You may have many holes all over your rubber shoes now, but they are measly compared to the massive depression in our hearts. One of your great mysteries is how someone so small could occupy so much of my soul. You have all of it, my little bear cub, but somehow, I wish I could still give you more.

We do random acts of kindness whenever the opportunity presents itself during the rest of the month, but we try to make the 9th extra special because that is the day you were born. You will always be special, Caleb. February 9th is the day you brought more love into our world than we ever knew existed. We continue celebrating your life and trying our best to “be nice,” the way you commanded us to do. However, not having you here physically to wag your finger at us and squint your eyebrows in disapproval when we fail is still extremely overwhelming. You were nice even when people didn’t deserve it. I’m still working on that one, Baby Boy, but you would be happy to know that Daddy picked up my slack today. He went to lunch with a friend and left extra money for the waitress despite the less than attentive service. 

We also decided to paint rocks today since the weather cooperated. This is something I know you would’ve liked and also something that despite you needing help, you would’ve refused any and ended up with paint all over yourself. I could almost hear “self, self” and feel the jerk of your shoulder pushing aside any inkling of my assistance. 

Some of your friends came to help us paint and I realized how much bigger they were since the last time we got together. I couldn’t help but wonder how tall you would be and what kinds of things you would be saying by now. I truly believe you will stay 2-years-old forever, but I will probably always wonder how you would look and act as your friends grow and change.

So, what does painting rocks have to do with being nice? Well, Baby, we are going to hide them all around town and let these happy symbols and messages surprise their new owners to add a bit of fun to their day. We are also going to take some to people who might be lonely or need a little encouragement. If decorative rocks could create world peace, one of your favorite buddies would be first in line to make that happen. I talked to her on the phone tonight and she asked me if we could send rocks to North Korea, and to Texas where they had the hurricane come through. I might be able to swing some deliveries to Texas, but if you want us to send rocks to N. Korea, I’m going to need a lot more direction. Still, I love your friend’s heart and I know she misses you. (Check out the sign she made for you.)

After we painted rocks, Daddy and I took a dealership of vroom vrooms and left them at the entrance to the baseball fields close to where you played on the playground. There were people swarming everywhere so I imagine your favorite toy disappeared quickly. It also makes me wonder how many wagons you visited tonight and how many younger siblings you entertained during the games. It made Mommy sad that you never got to play baseball or even watch a game from a dirt pile close to the bleachers. You would’ve been the boy with a muddy bottom and ketchup dribbled down your shirt. You would’ve tried to write your name in the ground with a stick and imitated all the big kids as they warmed up to pitch. 

There wasn’t much room in the parking lot and we had worked up an appetite painting, so we decided to eat a quick drive-through dinner. We knew fast food employees aren’t paid well so we thought it would be nice to tip whoever took our order. Daddy asked the young girl if she had a tip jar, to which she replied “I wish.” Her reaction when Daddy gave her the extra money was really cute. It was only five extra dollars, but she gasped and said “oh my gosh!” 

Our last stop of the night brought us to a laundromat that was new to your kindness. You made an appearance at “Grandma Pat’s” ladies’ group this week, and in exchange for telling your story, several unsuspecting visitors to this laundromat got free detergent or a small love offering to go toward their clean clothes, courtesy of the ladies of St. Eugene’s. It is one of the basic necessities of life and something those of us with washers and dryers in our houses usually take for granted. Please watch over all of those who received the quarters and help bring even greater change to those who need it most.

Still, I know that no matter how much money, gifts, or vroom vrooms we distribute, the pit in the center of my core is still heavy. I miss you. I love you. I’m still in shock that this is our life. Maybe I’m expecting too much from these projects or selfishly wanting to feel that sense of altruism that usually gives people the warm fuzzies. Right now, I can’t feel any of that. Some days are counted down by the hours and sometimes by the minute. Nights turn into days and the blurred lines turn into broken senses. I’m not the same person that was here when you were, but maybe that is normal. The hole you left is so raw, deep and consuming that I truly believe a part of me left with you. Maybe that is how it works there. Maybe I am already with you not because time works differently there, but because a huge piece of me really IS already there with you. If you know this to be true, I wish you would whisper in my ear how many more hours, days or years we will have to wait. I don’t know how all of this works, Baby Boy, but I know this is the most challenging test of patience I’ve ever faced.

However, even if I have to live to be 100, I promise you that until my last breath, I will not stop telling the world what an amazing little boy you are. That will never be something that is in the past tense. You are and always will be an incredible, bright star, and I will always be grateful I got to be your Mommy here on Earth. Keep helping us share you with the world. I love the grip you have on anyone who embraces The Caleb Effect. Do you even know how powerful you are? I do.

One day.

Love, Mommy
XOXOXOXOX

#calebeffect
#benice
#vroomvrooms

Do Something

Hi Baby Boy. I love you. Today is a day that makes Mommy and Daddy sad because once again it is the 2nd of the month. No matter how much we try not to think of this date, it will always be burned into our minds. Today is also a horrifically grim day for our country. Last night there were lots of people dancing and having a carefree night at a concert in a city called Las Vegas. I don’t even know how to describe to you how many people were there because I heard it was 22,000 people. That is more people than were at your school, dancing with you at the Greek Festival, and enough to fill more buses full of friends than you could imagine. They were all having a fun night watching someone put on a show that was far superior to Mommy’s living room performances with my guitar, when their lives changed forever. I don’t know why things like this happen or why someone would want to destroy lives just because they can, but that is exactly what happened. More than 50 people (that’s about one school bus load) died, and more than 400 (the number of people who came to your service) were hurt. Countless others won’t have their mommy or daddy or some of their best friends here on Earth with them anymore. Mommy’s heart hurts for all of these people. If you really are the Wal-Mart greeter of heaven, maybe you saw a line last night and got to give them a high-five. I really hope so. I hold on to these imaginary moments and somehow expect that they really are reality. 

In times like this I also feel really helpless. Baby Boy, what can I do? What can any of us left in this world do? If you were still here, I’m sure you would have even more questions than usual, so I would’ve shared this quote with you. Ever since I’ve heard it, it comes to mind in situations like this. “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”― Fred Rogers

I know there were many thousands of helpers and for that I am grateful. I am praying for everyone who is in the middle of surgery right now, the families and friends of those left behind (including the man who caused this and his family), for our country, and for humanity in general. I still wonder, what else can I do? What would you do? I immediately think of you giving hugs, so I will give Daddy a hug when I see him. When I went to get coffee earlier, he had already filled the tank with water for me even though he wasn’t drinking any coffee. Mommy already sent a message to tell him thank you for loving me and that I love him, too. I will continue to spread the love you modeled perfectly for us, and I will learn about at least three victims of this senseless tragedy. Many times, we remember the person who spreads evil, but not their blameless targets. I know that even in situations like ours where there is not an explanation or someone to curse, people are still hesitant or downright avoidant in speaking your name. It is taboo and people don’t want to make us sad, but what they don’t realize is that we will always have that sadness the size and perfect shape of you, square in the middle of our hearts. The truth is that we are constantly thinking of you, and can sympathize with the pain that is being felt right now in the hearts of parents who were instantly ripped of the people who will always mean the most to them. I want to hear these people’s names and know more about at least three of these victims that were out for a simple night of music because I want to keep at least three times the amount of innocence in the forefront of my mind. I’m not the best with names, but I want to learn more about these men and women, and try my best to honor their memory. I want to continue talking about those that have gone before us, as that is how we keep their spirits alive.

Mommy is a creative soul, which means I’m someone with a lot of ideas. I believe life circumstances have shown me that I’m supposed to use this creativity for good. I’ve been stuck, nervous, and at times unmotivated to continue pursuing this new career path, but I know just as in life, I am supposed to keep going even when we have zero answers. Please help Mommy think like you and encourage people to do SOMETHING. Prayers are always needed, but it is not the only thing we can do. It is the first step, not the last and only one. 

Help us to focus on what is most important. Hug someone we love; write a letter or send a card the old-fashioned way; have your littlest friends make artwork to send to families that are hurting; sit by the person who doesn’t know anyone; visit the lonely; make a donation or volunteer to help a mental health organization; give blood; don’t be embarrassed to report something that doesn’t seem right; fight for changes for the things that aren’t working in your corner of the world; show up with a listening ear and a closed mouth; try to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, especially when they are shoes that are extremely uncomfortable to wear; be vulnerable enough to cry with someone who is hurting; call, send a text, or knock on a door before there isn’t anyone left to answer; tell me about someone who perished last night and let me keep their bright smiles shining; use one of the templates in this link to “be nice.”

Help us become less gawkers and gossipers. Nudge us to start with bowed heads but to use our brains, compassion, hands, and feet to find ways to become creative helpers. 

I love you and I miss you every second of every day. I always will.

I love you.
One day.

Love, Mommy
OXOXOXOXO

#calebeffect
#benice
#dosomething

Food For the Soul

Hi Baby Boy. I love you. We had our biggest group yet to celebrate you and to “be nice” on the 9th! We went to the Regional Food Bank of Oklahoma where they help people who don’t get enough to eat. 

Eating is something you loved to do! You ate more food than Mommy AND Daddy! Remember when you would kick your feet and cry when Mommy and Daddy couldn’t get your turkey and hummus or “orange ice” (AKA frozen mangoes) onto your Lightning McQueen plate fast enough? Well, Baby, there are a lot of people in our state who NEVER get a full plate! No matter how hard they try, or how many jobs they work, some of our neighbors don’t have enough money to buy groceries to keep their bellies full. Some of our friends have to decide whether they are going to buy ham and crackers or pay for medicine like you took to keep your throat from burning. You inherited something called “acid reflux” from both your mommy and your daddy, but we never had to decide whether to buy enough food to eat lunch or pay for our prescriptions. The Regional Food Bank of Oklahoma lets people get healthy foods like the frozen cauliflower that we bagged today so no one has to sit at their tables and cry. 

You would be happy to know that the 25 people there today to celebrate your joyful personality found out about you from a variety of sources. Some were your close family who knew you well, but others never got to meet you. The Caleb Effect was represented by friends Mommy and Daddy have known for years, some for only a few months, and more who we just met for the first time today. We were also paired with a gorgeous group of ladies from the Delta Sigma Theta sorority from Mommy’s former school, OU. Since Mommy’s team is playing right now, I have to add, “Boomer!” You would have been proficient in making the “O” and “U” motions, and you should know that even YaYa pretended to be a Sooner today.

Together, we bagged, weighed, sealed, boxed, and stacked the palette with 3,120 pounds of cauliflower! The food bank told us that 1.2 pounds represents a meal, so that means the amount of food our group processed symbolizes 2,600 meals! We hope as our neighbors and friends enjoy this nourishment, they will remember that the world still has many people like you teaching us to “be nice.” 

Being nice didn’t cost any of the volunteers a nickel today but I bet everyone left feeling a little richer. Mommy and Daddy also made sure we had a box of your favorite “vroom vrooms” for the team to share with unsuspecting children and a couple of Starbucks gift cards to distribute an extra perk that you give the world to help us keep going.

I love you, Baby Boy. I always will. Keep feeding our souls and save us a spot at the big table, okay?

I love you now and forever.

Love, Mommy
XOXOXOXOX

(For more pictures, visit The Caleb Effect on Facebook.)

#CalebEffect
#BeNice
Regional Food Bank of Oklahoma
Starbucks
Hotwheels
Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc
Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. - Oklahoma Sooner City Alumnae Chapter

A Little Bag of Comfort

Happy 9th, Baby Boy!! Daddy and I met some of your favorite people in the world today when we visited the Del City and Oklahoma City police stations! We left some bags with vroom vrooms and other toys to help the kids they meet who are going through especially scary situations. 

We missed your standard siren imitations and the way we know you would've had all those tough officers wrapped around your toddler fingers. Not even a bullet-proof vest could have stopped you from entering a place in their hearts. I wonder how many guys you would have convinced to show you their real vroom vrooms and maybe even flip the lights and sirens on for you, too?

We miss you like crazy down here, but we are going to let your little light shine so much brighter than the salty reflection from our tears. People are paying attention and you are practically famous in Oklahoma now. Did you see all the publicity you've received lately? 

You are still showing us how to live. Thank you, Baby Bear.

Watch over these children and first responders and bring them comfort, compassion, and safety. Let each of them know they are valuable and worthy of kindness and care. 

I love you my little angel baby. I always will.

One day.

Love, Mommy
XOXOXOXOX

#calebeffect
#benice
Lance West First Fidelity Bank #PayIt4Ward KFOR-TV #BankerBoggs