So much sadness today. I’ve been thinking of the 168 people lost and the countless others who were forever changed as I have every year since the day I thought we were having an earthquake in first hour at school. This year my heart hurts even more as a beautiful little boy who only got to celebrate one birthday with his loving parents and sisters was laid to rest today.

I decided to go for a run outside to try and clear my head but I kept thinking about how it was the same park where I used to take Caleb, and where I have pictures of him falling asleep with his toddler-gelled mohawk and a stuffed Spider-Man tucked into his stroller seatbelt.

Tonight the park was full of children having soccer practice, playing baseball games, climbing on the new playground, and learning to throw a frisbee. Things I will never get to do with Caleb.

Even trying to cope in the healthiest way I could imagine completely leveled me.

Losing someone you love is not a one-day event and losing a child means grieving all of the plans we didn’t get to watch them fulfill. It leaves an ache that not even a beautiful sunset can fix and forever holes in all the places their physical presence don’t get to visit anymore.

I don’t believe I will ever be “through” this or “healed,” and that is an agonizingly jagged pill to swallow. It’s just been one of those days that makes me wish I could fast forward time and be together again.

Goodbye April 19th. As I told my friend who buried her son today, “just one second at a time.” It is now past midnight and all of those seconds have finally turned into another day for me and for too many others who are forced to live without their heart and soul. I survived another day and am now one day closer to being with my little boy. I’ll claim that as a victory.

I feel like I’ve run out of prayers but if you have a few extra for my friend’s family and all of those who have to count the seconds until April 19th changes into the 20th, I’m sure they would appreciate a little light, good vibes, acts of kindness or whatever you can offer on this dark day in history.