Eight months

2016 was by far the worst year of our lives but in some ways I didn't want it to end. I will be honest and acknowledge how impossible these last 8 months have seemed. There are some days we weren't sure we could go another second more without you here physically with us, and the holidays forced an even wider magnifying glass on the celebrations we should be spending together. Although we avoided the stores, parties, and even our house, we weren't blind to the fact that special days were still on the faces of the rest of the world. Everyone was rushing off to their festivities but we couldn't hear the commotion through all the surreal haze.

We are FOREVER grateful for the 2 years, 2 months and 23 days you spent with us, and for all the thoughtful people who are still praying and showing us they care, but it was hard not to feel guilty on November 24th for realizing all we had lost. Strangers assume we are a "young couple" without kids, or maybe honeymooners naive in their new love, but we know we aren't the same people we were before we had you. We used to be parents who thought we had forever happily traded playing on our phones mindlessly after work and popping frozen dinners in the oven at 10pm for make believe conversations on your play phone, and cleaning up the spilled peas and carrots that fell off your "Lightning McQueen" plate. It's like we have been dropped in some foreign territory where nothing makes sense and we don't understand what's going on around us. 

So, no, it has not been "the most wonderful time of the year." 

I hated that the holidays would even have the audacity to arrive without you. Didn't the world know that brightest light in our house is shining wildly in spirit but the twinkling branches of our miniature tree are still stuffed in the attic? Do the shelves at Target know that some of those "choo choos," books, and Star Wars toys should've been in our basket again this year waiting for your excited face? Do the pharmacists wonder why they haven't seen the little boy who probably would have had bronchitis again this Christmas, but who never let that stop him from smiling and saying "hi" to them anyway? 

We are doing our best to make you proud of us, Caleb, but sometimes I think the world could use a reminder that you never know when you will go from sitting in the living room together enjoying another peaceful morning with your family to waking up to your worst nightmare. The holidays can bring chaos wrapped in glitter, but I hope when the decorations and elves get neatly tucked away, everyone is left with the treasures that really matter.

Eight months without the center of our universe, but we will always love you and miss you no matter how many pages in the calendar are turned. Although we will not get to make any new memories with you in 2017, we will not leave you behind in 2016. We will continue to talk about you and to encourage others to do the same. We will be watching patiently (or not so patiently sometimes) for your undeniable signs to let us know you are still with us in spirit. When it seems cruel of the sun to rise on a new day, we will do our best to remember all the miraculous ways people have been touched by the love of one small boy, and how once upon a time one small boy brought miracles and rose again on a new day, too.

I love you so much, Angel Baby. I always will. 

Someday we will get to spend these days together again and we will never be apart. 

One day.

Love, Mommy

Seven months

"Hi." 
I write to you every day and this is the first thing I say, followed by "I love you." 

Daddy and Mommy's hearts still ache missing you and not being able to kiss your smooth, toddler cheeks multiple times a day. We still wish we could pick you up and nestle you in our arms, or read you one more story. You never spent a single night without at least one of us to kiss you goodnight or help you change out of your adorable "footy pajamas" the next morning. You only had a babysitter four times in your whole life because we loved spending every second we had with you. 

We will never understand in this life why we didn't get to hold you longer than 2 years, 2 months and 23 days. Seven months without our friendliest, happy boy and we miss you more with every passing day. "Aunt RoRo" Rose Lindo-Lundy said you must be conducting something really important in Heaven and I will always wonder what that could be.

As I look back at the videos we took of your much too brief life, I think Ana Hernandez-Covey is right. She told me you are probably the "Wal-Mart greeter of Heaven," and I can picture it so clearly in my mind. Maybe you are standing at the Pearly Gates saying "hi," just as you are here, and perhaps a few lucky souls also get "high fives" and maybe even a few "knuckles" to go with their newly acquired wings.

You loved meeting new people and brightening their day. You wanted to spread love to every single person you ever met, and I know you are still using those you love to spread "The Caleb Effect" to people who never had the privilege of meeting you in this life.

I've said this before but it is worth repeating now. The only difference between a stranger and a friend is the word, "hello." Maybe I will change that from "hello" to "hi." 

So, keep reminding us, sweet boy, to say "hi" to someone we don't know even when we are sad or when the world has not shown us an equal kindness. You will always be the most special little boy to Mommy and Daddy and we will never stop loving you or saying "hi" every day.

"Hi, baby." I love you. 
One day.

Six months

Six months seems like an eternity. 

We miss you beyond measure, Baby Bear. The house is quiet, but the sound of not having these everyday moments with you is deafening. 

You loved trading "fives" and "knuckles" for candy, and spreading your contagious, extroverted joy last Halloween. Daddy may have been relieved not to be a Disney princess again this year, but we were both crushed we didn't get to watch you trick-or-treat with all your friends.

Even though you didn't always give your "meow meow" soft touches, he hasn't stopped looking for you.That's the power you had and still have on every living creature you met (and even some you didn't). You taught us all how to love deeper and wrap our arms tighter around the people and critters we love the most.

There's not a nanosecond that goes by that Mommy and Daddy aren't thinking about you and waiting for the day we can finally pick you up and wrap our arms tightly around you again. I hope my daddy and all your new friends in heaven are enjoying you because when I get there, I'm never going to put you down or stop kissing your perfect, angel cheeks. 

One day. 

Love, Mommy
with Ken Toey

Five months

(Written by Caleb's Daddy)
We put too much stock into material things - temporary objects that distract us and amuse us yet return no affection nor companionship. I am just as guilty as anyone of this crime, but I am trying to change that. Don't let hobbies and gadgets take time away from what is truly important in life: friends, family, and faith.

I cherish every video and picture we have of Caleb. It has been 5 months without him and he continues to be a shining example of what is good in this world. We never know darkness unless we know light, and sometimes it seems like we will never know light again. 

But we will. One day. Until then, Bernie and I are trying to figure out how to live without our light. One day at a time.

Four months

Caleb inherited both of our stubbornness and liked to skip specific numbers when he knew you wanted him to count on command. Treasure the everyday moments. Four months without them is suffocating. 

One day.

Three months

Caleb taught us to give love freely and with excitement! Three months without his pure joy, hurts.

When I grow up, I want to be just like him. Give someone a kiss today in Caleb's honor.

Ken Toey, get your lips ready.

Two months

Every day with Caleb brought pure joy. He loved the simple things in life like hanging out with his mommy and admiring his happy baby face on the phone. I loved the way he loved himself and lost focus on anything else. Kids instinctively understand we are created in God's image. It is only later in life we learn to doubt. 

Two months without our angel. May we live the rest of our lives trying to be more like him. 

One month

One month since we've seen your sweet face, held you in our arms, and kissed your perfect cheeks. "Good morning," entertaining angel. Daddy and Mommy will never stop loving you.

Caleb's Memorial Service - May 6th, St. Luke's-OKC

Caleb's memorial service, like his life, was short, powerful, and uplifting.

We hope our friends and family across the globe who were either too far away, didn't know us then, or didn't think they couldn't handle the sadness of attending a memorial for a 2-year-old, will watch now.

It was recorded on our home video camera, so the quality is not perfect. Luckily, the message and videos of Caleb's life can be felt even when every pixel can't be seen.

Special thanks to Rev. Dave Poteet, at St. Luke's for officiating. We had never met him before planning the service and he did a phenomenal job focusing on "The Caleb Effect" that you are experiencing with every word you read.

(I might be a little OCD when it comes to details of Caleb's life, so a couple caveats to mention are that the "Busted" story was Bernie's, and we had already picked out "Lennon," as Caleb's middle name. While "Lennon" is partially in honor of our love of music and the Beatles, the other reason we chose that name is that it is an homage to our patriarchs. (Adam's grandfather was named Lyndel, and his uncle is Lynn. Bernie's father was named "Lee," and his sister is "Linda." Lee's brother is "Lon," Linda's late husband was "John," and there are letters from each of his other siblings in the name, "Lennon." Caleb was a week overdue, so it just happened to work out that it was the 50-year anniversary of the first time the Beatles played in the US. They only had one room left after delivery. That room number...64."  

That would have taken way too long to explain anyway, but it makes my neurotic side shake less in the corner.)

If you never had the great joy of meeting Caleb, I hope after watching, you feel like you have.

Messages From Mommy and Daddy

Several people have asked us for copies of the messages we wrote to Caleb for his memorial service so I thought it fitting to make them the first blog post. 
 

A Message from Mommy

My dearest baby, Caleb, my floorboard pitter-patter,
My sandy-haired blue-eyed angel, how I loved your joyful chatter.

February ninth -- the absolute best day of my life.
You added “Mommy” to my title, where it sat proudly next to “wife!”

Daddy laid you in my arms and “happy birthday” I did sing,
I never could have imagined the depth of love that you would bring.

You were my miracle from heaven, ten tiny fingers and kissable toes,
You looked an awful lot like Daddy but with Mommy’s mouth and miniature nose.

We took you home and introduced you to the “woof woof” and “meows,”
Where the howling roommate and ceiling fan shaped your trademark eyebrows.

Your high-pitched giggles and excitement when the “Tickle Monster” gave chase,
I will forever cherish these memories, jewels in life’s too hurried pace.

You would climb on my back and we would pretend to fly through the air,
Or dress just like Daddy, except you still had more hair.

Whether climbing to your car seat, or reaching a book on the second shelf,
I adored your independent nature, and the way you said, “self, self.”

My sweetest little drummer boy, you are a gift, a light, a treasure.
The hole left in our hearts is too cavernous to measure.

I wish I could kiss your soft cheeks and bottle the way you smell,
Sing you one more sweet rhyme, spike your hair with your gel.

I want to hold you and hug you, and get a few more pats on the back,
See your perfectly fanned eyelashes, and prepare your favorite snack.

You smiled with your whole face -- such a magnificent, bright star,
You are the center of our universe, although now from afar.

Your purpose on Earth, though it was much much too brief,
Was to teach us to love even in the midst of our grief.

I love you beautiful boy. Until we meet again.
Come visit us in our dreams, amen, amen, amen.

---

Daddy's Message to Caleb

Caleb Lennon Wile touched every soul he met, and he never knew a stranger. Caleb didn’t care how much money you had, or what kind of car you drove, what your skin color was, or who your favorite football team is. If you met him, he loved you. Just for being you. Just for being here on Earth, he loved you.

The eyes are often described as “windows to the soul,” and when you looked into his beautiful blue eyes you understood that to be true. When you looked at Caleb you could see Bernie’s remarkable empathy and her limitless energy. From his father he received a passionate curiosity and an occasional lack of coordination. Caleb was brilliant, too – he could count to thirty, name every vehicle on the road, and use words like “toucan”, “racket”, and “ambulance”. He loved animals and routinely tackled our very tolerant cat so he could kiss him on the nose. Although his favorites were peas and frozen mangoes, his first food was avocado, and the only thing in this world he would not eat was an olive.

Caleb returned to heaven in the care of his grandpa, great-grandparents, and countless friends that are all waiting their turn to spend time with this precious soul. He was only with us for an achingly brief time, but Caleb has changed this world for the better. His message to us was as loud and clear as his police car imitation: Love each other unconditionally. Hug your children, no matter how old they are. And housekeeping and chores can wait, for children won’t keep.